(via s4dsong)
Eu estou tentando. Juro que estou.
(Source: doiseecolor, via s4dsong)
“De trás do barraco de Bill, o rádio de alguém que voltara do trabalho levou até nós uma música que falava de loucura e destino, e lá estava ela com sua beleza destroçada, as veias saltadas nas mãos estreitas de adulta, a pele arrepiada nos braços brancos, as orelhas sem viço, as axilas descuidadas, lá estava ela (minha Lolita!) irremediavelmente gasta aos dezessete anos, com aquela criança que dentro de seu ventre já sonhava em ser um sujeito importante e se aposentar no ano 2020 – e fiquei olhando para ela, sabendo, tão lucidamente como sei que vou morrer um dia, que eu a amava mais do que tudo o que jamais vi ou imaginei neste mundo, ou o que possa esperar em qualquer outro. Ela era apenas um traço fugaz de perfume, o eco de uma folha morta, quando comparada à ninfeta sobre a qual eu rolara outrora gemendo de prazer; um eco à beira de uma ravina acobreada, com uma floresta longínqua sob o céu lívido, folhas marrons sufocando o riacho, um derradeiro grilo nas ervas ressequidas.. mas, graças a Deus, não era apenas esse eco que eu venerava. Aquilo que eu costumava acariciar entre as vinhas emaranhadas de meu coração, mon grand péche radieux, estava reduzido a sua essência: todo o resto, o vício estéril e egoísta, fora abolido, amaldiçoado. Podem zombar de mim, ameaçar evacuar o tribunal, mas até que eu seja amordaçado e semi-asfixiado continuarei a proclamar aos brados minha pobre verdade. Insisto em que o mundo saiba o quanto amei minha Lolita, esta Lolita, pálida epoluída, carregando o filho de outro homem, mas ainda com os mesmos olhos cinzentos, os mesmos cílios cor de fuligem, os mesmos tons de castanho e amêndoa, a mesma Carmencita, ainda e sempre minha! Changeos de vie, ma Carmen, allons vivre qulque part où nous ne serons jamais séparés. Ohio? Os ermos de Massachusetts? Não importa, mesmo que teus olhos fiquem embaciados como os de um peixe míope, mesmo que teus mamilos inchem e se rachem, mesmo que se macule e se rasgue teu jovem e adorável delta, tão delicadamente aveludado.. mesmo então eu enlouqueceria à simples vista de teu rosto amado e lúrido, ao simples som de sua voz rouquenha, minha Lolita.”
Estrelas do peito, estrelas do céu.
“À noite quando em funda soledade
Minh’alma se recolhe tristemente,
Pra iluminar-me a alma descontente,
Se acende o círio triste da Saudade.”
Nestas últimas horas do ano, é inevitável a retrospectiva. Inevitável permitir que toda gama de lembranças, boas e ruins, permeie meus pensamentos, arrancando sorrisos nostálgicos ou dores antigas. Inevitável não julgar atos, opiniões e, assim, aceitar e aprender com erros ou festejar e sentir orgulho dos acertos. Todo ano, em 31 de dezembro, é inevitável a melancolia do fim, pressagie ele, de fato, um novo começo, um novo marco, um tempo de mudanças, ou apenas o virar de mais uma noite, o iniciar de um novo velho mês. Seja qual for o sentido que a virada do ano tenha para cada um de nós, uma coisa é certa: o tempo está passando. Para mim, especialmente, de uma maneira conscientemente rápida, que lacera o peito e sufoca o coração. E é claro, todos sabem do que falo. Neste ano de 2011 - hoje, mais especificamente - chega ao fim minha jornada como aluna do Colégio Pedro II.
Aceitação, confesso, ainda não há. Muito menos entendimento. Impossível conciliar racionalmente o fato de que nunca mais vestirei o uniforme que tanto me dava orgulho e sairei de casa, ainda sonolenta, para recomeçar a abençoada rotina. Sim, abençoada. E o que fazer com a saudade que, embora não haja nem uma semana, parece crescer exponencialmente, tornando-se cada vez mais intensa? O que fazer com essa nostalgia, com essa melancolia, com essa dor, arrependimento, satisfação… com esse turbilhão de sensações que arrebatam-me de uma forma inexplicável e que, de tão grandes e fortes, deixam meu corpo sob a forma de lágrimas, suspiros, sorrisos? Onde guardar todas as histórias das quais não quero esquecer, todas as pessoas com as quais quero sempre estar, onde? Como fazer para sentir novamente aquela sensação de estar em casa, protegida entre as paredes do Imperial Pedro II? Como lidar com essa separação que, por ser irremediável, me afeta de forma tão absurda? Diga-me, alguém, por favor. Porque a única coisa que o Pedro II não me ensinou foi isto: como e porquê deixá-lo.
Tic, tac, tic, tac. A cada volta dos ponteiros, dou um passo para mais longe. Tic, tac, tic, tac. A cada passo, deixo uma parte de mim pelo caminho. Tic, tac, tic, tac. Cada parte que fica pra trás, exige uma nova despedida e a cada nova despedida, uma pequena ferida é aberta em minh’alma - feridas que, embora possam ser curadas com o tempo, para sempre latejarão, refletindo todos os sentimentos abafados. Tic, tac, tic, tac. O tempo vai passar, as horas vão bater, as lágrimas vão rolar, a saudade vai crescer. E eu continuo parada, diante dessa mescla de efemeridade e eternidade, sem saber o que fazer.
E, numa metáfora final, que significado tem o fim de 2011? Digo-lhes. É como se, em algumas horas, uma estrela - no céu ou no peito? - fosse se apagar para mim. Uma estrela-guia, uma estrela-cadente, uma estrela só minha. E sei que, não importa quantos novos pontinhos de luz surjam de hoje em diante - nenhum deles, nunca, será tão brilhante e encantador a ponto de ofuscar o que morre, neste momento, desfalcando meu céu.
“Da saudade na campa enegrecida
Guardo a lembrança que me sangra o peito,
Mas que no entanto me alimenta a vida.”
Choi Jeong-Hwa, Spring Flowers. Wish the trees would bloom this way in New York.
(Source: 100unicorns, via malevia)
Which Disney heroine are you?
[X] You’ve kissed someone your friends didn’t like.
[ ] You’ve been lost in the forest.
[X] You love to read.
[X] You do not worry over what society expects of you.
[X] One of your family members is weird.
[X] You don’t fall for guys based solely on their looks.
[ ] You have a wild imagination.
[X] You love to take care of people in need.
[ ] You’ve had guys like you only because they think you’re pretty.
[X] You’ve rejected at least one person when they’ve asked you out.
Total: 7/10
Rapunzel
[ ] You’re an orphaned child or have an evil step-parent.
[ ] You have many different hobbies to keep you busy.
[X] You can get really bored.
[X] You have/had very long hair.
[ ] Your hair is/was bright blonde.
[x] You’re an artsy person.
[ ] You’re childish.
[X] You can’t wait to stop the same routine each day and start living.
[X] You care about others and their feelings.
[ ] You like to follow the rules.
Total: 5/10
Alice
[ ] You have/had a pet rabbit.
[X] You love to play cards.
[X] You get frustrated when things don’t make sense.
[X] You get yourself in sticky situations.
[ ] You have been to a court.
[X] You have fallen asleep while doing your homework.
[ ] You have had a tea party.
[ ] You eat things you just find lying around.
[ ] You’re frequently late.
[ ] You know how to play croquet.
Total: 4/10
Jasmine
[ ] Your dad is rich.
[X] You are very clever.
[X] You’ve been with someone way different from you.
[X] You’re unique and different from everyone else.
[X] You’d never marry someone just because they were rich.
[X] You have set a lot of goals for yourself.
[X] You don’t have a lot of (good) friends.
[X] You’re independent.
[X] You talk to your pets/inanimate objects.
[ ] Your parents try to control your life.
Total: 8/10
Megara
[X] Your boyfriend/crush is strong.
[X] You have gotten involved with the wrong people before.
[ ] You are very convincing.
[X] You are sarcastic.
[X] You have had your heart broken.
[X] You are thin to the point of being bony.
[X] You lie sometimes.
[ ] You pretend to be someone you’re not.
[X] You have been used.
[X] Purple is one of your favorite colors.
Total: 8/10
Ariel
[X] Your parents expect a lot from you.
[ ] You really try to follow the rules, but it’s hard for you.
[ ] You’re a bit of a trouble maker.
[ ] You’re the youngest in your family.
[X] You can express yourself without speaking.
[ ] You collect something.
[X] You have/had long hair.
[X] You are adventurous.
[ ] You’re extremely curious.
[X] You believe everything people tell you/you’re a bit gullible.
Total: 5/10
Aurora
[ ] You live/have lived with someone other than your parents.
[ ] You almost died at a very young age.
[ ] You are gentle, loving, and/or thoughtful.
[ ] You have a decent singing voice.
[X] You like to sleep in late on the weekend.
[ ] You spend most of your time outside.
[ ] You have a close relationship with your aunts/godparents.
[X] You’re very romantic.
[ ] Pink is one of your favorite colors.
[ ] You’re afraid of needles.
Total: 2/10
Cinderella
[ ] One of your parents is dead.
[ ] You are expected to do a lot of chores.
[X] You love to dress up.
[ ] You love animals.
[ ] You are waiting patiently for your Prince Charming.
[X] Your mom is really strict.
[ ] You have sisters who seem kind of jealous of you.
[ ] You’re always optimistic that life will get better.
[ ] You have left your shoes at a friend’s house before.
[ ] You have/had blonde hair.
Total: 2/10
Snow White
[X] People have said that you’re beautiful.
[ ] Sometimes it seems like your mom is jealous of you.
[ ] You’ve almost died.
[X] You have at least seven good friends.
[ ] You’ve had food poisoning.
[X] You have/had short hair.
[ ] You get along with almost everyone.
[X] All of your friends are different.
[X] You sleep like the dead.
[ ] You’re happier when you’re out of the house than in.
Total: 5/10
Tinkerbell
[X] You get jealous easily.
[X] You loved your childhood.
[X] You like to fly.
[X] You believe in magic.
[ ] You are short.
[ ] You hate pirates.
[X] You admire confident, adventurous people.
[ ] People underestimate you.
[ ] You get angry easily.
[ ] You have/had a treehouse.
Total: 5/10
Pocahontas
[X] You love to walk around and explore.
[X] You are more spiritual than religious.
[X] You’ve been in an interracial relationship.
[X] One of your family members is dead.
[ ] Your parents are very protective of you.
[ ] Someone you love has been in a war.
[X] You love nature.
[ ] You have/had black hair.
[X] You would love to move somewhere exotic and beautiful.
[X] You’re very adventurous.
Total: 7/10
Mulan
[X] You can be a tomboy sometimes.
[X] People wish you could be a bit more girly.
[ ] You’ve pretended to be someone you’re not.
[ ] You’ve been in a physical fight.
[ ] You have/had considered running away from home.
[ ] Your parents try to plan your life out.
[X] A lot of your friends are boys.
[ ] You sometimes find yourself in bad situations.
[X] You love your family so much that you’d do anything to protect them.
[ ] With short hair and different clothes, you could pass for a boy.
Total: 4/10
Esmeralda
[X] You love to dance.
[ ] You’ve fallen in love with someone you hated at first.
[X] You hate corruption.
[X] You are free-spirited.
[X] You care more for the well-being of others than your own.
[X] You are witty when provoked.
[ ] You love goats.
[X] You prefer going barefoot.
[X] You don’t judge people by the way they look.
[ ] You love rich colors and jewelry.
Total: 7/10
Jane
[X] You love to explore and have adventures.
[ ] You are clumsy.
[ ] You have a taste for Victorian clothing.
[X] You love learning new things.
[X] You get lost easily.
[X] You are patient.
[X] You are good at teaching people.
[ ] You have a tendency to fall into trouble.
[X] You have an appreciation for the natural world.
[X] You get frightened/startled easily.
Total: 7/10
Tiana
[ ] You are a workaholic.
[ ] You love to cook.
[ ] You are very sensible and level-headed.
[ ] People have underestimated you because of your race/gender/background.
[ ] You don’t give much credit to fairy tales.
[X] You’re a daddy’s girl.
[X] You have big dreams/high aspirations.
[ ] You’ve gone hiking through a swamp.
[ ] You enjoy jazz music.
[ ] You have a fondness for the color green.
Total: 2/10
Kida
[ ] You have a profound connection to your heritage.
[X] You speak/are learning three or more languages.
[ ] You know how to fight.
[X] You like nerdy/geeky/dorky guys.
[ ] You have a controlling parent.
[X] You look younger than you are.
[ ] You are very spiritual.
[X] You have a particular piece of jewelry you wear all the time.
[X] You’re a fast learner.
[ ] You feel no need to explore the world.
Total: 5/10
Lilo
[ ] You have esoteric tastes.
[X] You prefer old music to modern.
[ ] You were basically raised by your sibling.
[X] Most people your age don’t understand you.
[ ] You frequently get on family members’ nerves.
[ ] You like to take care of ugly, abandoned things.
[ ] You love water sports.
[ ] You take a dance class.
[X] You have lost someone you love.
[ ] You’re childish.
Total: 3/10
Captain Amelia
[ ] You are a natural leader.
[ ] You are the only woman in a male-dominated field.
[X] People mistake you for being cold.
[ ] You are confident.
[X] You have a lust for adventure.
[X] You feel deep loyalty to your friends/coworkers.
[ ] You are nigh-unshakable.
[X] You are no-nonsense and do what has to be done.
[X] You have a strong moral conscience and know when too far is too far.
[X] Someone has deliberately betrayed you.
Total: 6/10
Jasmine and Megara!
Chorei vinte e sete minutos ininterruptamente naquele banheiro. Senti uma solidão profunda, devastadora, invencível, arrebatadora e inexplicável.
(Source: earth-song, via mysticmementos)
(Source: pitchblackglow, via i-mmobile)
